A Open Letter To C-3PO
Dear secondary bane of the Star Wars universe,
You are the (second) most annoying character in Star Wars, only after everyone’s favorite Gungan. You have so many flaws that it’s hard to believe that you are even allowed to accompany the likes of Luke and Han.
You are supposed to be a protocol droid, but somehow, along the way you became so snarky and sarcastic that you have to point out every tiny little thing that could go wrong, as if we didn’t know already. Isn’t it bad for translation purposes to have a translator that corrects everything you say? I mean, c’mon, doesn’t a futures society have anything that can replace you, don’t they have thesauruses? Linguists?!! Google Translate??!!
Also, when did you become such a know it all? You brag about speaking everything from Wookie to Washing Machine, but you didn’t learn any of that. You had it coded into you by some other machine, and now you’re going around taking credit for all their hard work. What decent living thing would do this? Not only that, but you also are such a worrywart. Who cares about the statistics? Who cares if the mission will probably fail? Who cares if you’ve got a bad feeling about this? Worrying isn’t going to help them go anywhere. If anything, it’s going to slow them down!
In fact, you exist as a sort of sad little sideline character, always in R2-D2’s shadow, sort of like the Jar-Jar Binks of droids. The only remotely interesting thing you do is get broken into pieces so Chewbacca can rebuild you, and even then, you’re more of a hindrance to everyone else. It seems that the only useful thing that you do is save Luke & Co. from the Ewoks, and even then, you aren’t the one to think of using your god status to help you friends, R2 is. On top of all that, when the Sand People attack in A New Hope you fall down—backwards. Like a penguin trying to watch a plane.
C-3PO, I know you’re trying your hardest help everyone, but really, I think you need to tone down the snark, turn of the sarcasm, and lower the worry levels. Maybe then, I’ll finally appreciate you.