Chronicles of Billy (Original Edition)

“The walkers are here!” shouted Johnny.

He spun around and screamed at everyone to get to their stations. All the survivors ran to their sides of the castle and looked over the edge of the roof. Zombies seemed to be the only thing in sight besides the zebra skeletons lying across the horizon that the zombies had left.

The zombies surrounded the Goblin Juice Castle. The humans were cornered for good. It was the end.

Billy attempted to kill one of the zombies by tossing leftover barbecue chips off the rooftop at the zombies’ eye. But the tactic proved useless and Billy ran from the roof’s edge to join his friends.

“Okay, guys,” Bertha explained, “we’ll have to fire used body casts and bandaids at the walkers if we want to defeat them.”

Everyone nodded and stripped off their sweaty socks, used band aids (from zombie bites), and Billy’s body cast. Bertha picked off the scab on her knee and flicked it in with the rest. Johnny pulled out chunks of his neck-beard hair and clumped them together in the foul pile of their human remains and bandages.

Johnny stuffed the items into a grenade launcher and blasted it all into the crowd of zombies. There was beautiful explosion of bodily-fluid, teeth, skin, blood, and mud; and half the wave of zombies was quickly decimated.

But there were too many. Billy tried to explain that they had to sacrifice someone to get away. They all sat quietly in contemplation while the growling zombies groaned a groaning groan.

Johnny stroked his gelatinous neck-beard. “Fine,” said Johnny, “but we must also throw Billy into the canal to succeed.”

Bertha and Billy looked pleased and thrilled with the plan. They all hummed in agreement. Billy seemed overly enthusiastic and he started humming louder. Bertha yelled at him to shut up.

“Alright, let’s do it!” exclaimed Johnny. “To our positions, men!” (which wasn’t a good statement considering that Bertha wasn’t a man [and also since Billy was more of a man-child than a man]).

They all hopped to it and ran in circles for no particular reason. Then Bertha shouted at everyone to stop and then they raced to their stations. Billy tripped on a zombie carcass and landed face first in front of Bertha.

Bertha lifted Billy by the neck-hair and poised to throw him off the side of the building. “Yahoo!” shrieked Bertha as she chucked Billy into the Southern Canal. Billy laughed hysterically with a gleam in his eye, but soon he started choking and seizuring because he was drowning in -10 degree water.

Bertha and Johnny glared down into the grey canal that was congested with zombies. Nothing seemed to happen. Why had they thrown Billy into the surging water anyway?

Soon, they were all panicking, though. The zombies were now tearing away at the bricks of the Goblin Juice Castle. The building began to crumble and crack, leaning this way and that. It shook with rage and the two survivors stumbled, nearly falling off the edge. This really was the end.

But just as it seemed that all hope was lost, the canal erupted and Billy emerged holding what looked like a deformed trident held together by scotch tape. Billy bellowed a battle cry and blasted the remaining zombies to bits. He wiped the floor with their wisdom teeth, he vanquished them up to vertebrae, and he zapped their groups down to the collar bone with every last portion of energy inside his DIY pitchfork.

Bertha cheered for their salvation, but Johnny suddenly brought them back to attention as he pointed out the zombies. They were piecing themselves back together!

Billy could only do one thing to stop them. With the power of the Southern Canal, he grew and swelled to a gigantic magnitude and scooped up a handful of zombies… and stuffed them in his mouth. He swallowed them in one huge gulp as if they were tater tots from your local McDonald’s ($5.99 for a limited time. Only at participating locations. See website for details) and burped, “Mhmph… tastes like chicken…”

He then lobbed handful after handful into his drooling mouth, crunching and chewing and intaking them into his enormous stomach.

Eventually, Billy became uneasy and queasy from devouring extensive quantities of rotting flesh and began to heave and retch. But before he was able to vomit, Billy exploded into a shower of mayonnaise and canal water, leaving his immense skeleton still standing in the canal. Johnny and Bertha gazed out as it toppled into the rushing canal—and Billy was never heard from again.

Bertha and Johnny, the very last of humankind, stood there while shivering with fatigue as the watched the last drops of sunlight dip below the horizon. In the vast wasteland, all that stood left was the dry and sandy ground (with an exception for the zebra carcasses dotting the canvas). Bertha breathed, “Well, the apocalypse is over with. You reckon that Subway is open at these hours?”

Johnny just nodded—and together they strolled down from the Goblin Juice Castle and walked away…

Without Billy.


Here is Nic’s post on our story. It also includes his amazing illustration he created.

The Chronicles of Billy (Original Edition)