Open Letter to IT

IT, I think your a cool guy and all, but the children… why eat the children? I’ll give you three reasons that you should eat adult instead of children.


  1. Adults have more juicy juicy meat. The average adult weight in North America being 80.7 kg (177.9 lb) and then with the average North American child(around 10 years old) weighing 30.8 kg (68lb) you can get over twice the meat. Plus adults gain more muscle mass than children. With more muscle mass comes more juicy delicious tender meat. With all that good good meat in you, your little 27 year catnaps can definitely last longer, and you’ll sleep better too.
  2. Adults can have fear too. Not only kids can have fear. You know you don’t have to be a clown. You can turn into unpaid bills, incomplete taxes, or even something so cruel as a bank account in debt. If you pulled this off I know you’d scare the bejeezus out of my mom or dad. Think of how much fear you could obtain. Plus the screams… oh the screams. They would be wondrous! So loud, so fulfilling, so stellar.
  3. Adults are easier to catch. Think of this. A small child scared out of his or her mind. They run the other direction and right as you touch the little striped shirt of theirs, they crawl under a stupid fence and get away. Wow. What a let down.  If that was adult you would have had yourself a nice red hamstring or tender humerus. Plus adults tend to be more socially active then children. That means that you can have a steak party at Dave’s house.


That’s my case as why I think you should go after adults and stop eating those small, fast, arrogant creatures kids are.


P.S. I only wrote this to say that THE CHILDREN ARE MINE, LEAVE THEM TO ME.

1 Comment

  1. Okay, this rather gruesome post made me smile! Well done, Ian!

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