I have a theory.
This morning, as I was walking to school, my socks slowly slid off my heels to become a puddle of purple sock-cloth at the bottom of my sneakers. The second I felt my warm, fashionably-questionable socks start to budge, I felt furious. How dare my socks do this—for the umpteenth time?
It’s simply not fair.
At school, I couldn’t stop my eyes from staring at all the socks everywhere. Goodness, where did all the socks come from? That kid in the hallway, did he always wear one blue and one green sock? The girl that sits next to me in Design and Technology—oh my goodness, were those emoji socks?
But most of all, I saw all the Sock Problems. Just like me, I saw students scowl at their shoes as they tugged their socks up. I saw adventurous fashionistas with one knee-high sock standing proud, and the other crumpled and slowly falling to the ground.
This got me thinking. How many people in the world wear socks? Thousands? Millions?
What if socks are secretly preparing to take over the world?
I mean, we already have humans who wear socks even with sandals—in the summer! In the winter, it’s not uncommon to wear two socks on one foot. Classrooms all around the world are preparing for a sock puppet show. Without the human race even noticing, socks have slowly integrated themselves into too many aspects of our lives.
Now, normally socks are kind, warm angels. They keep our feet happy! But eventually, all socks turn against us. They tear holes in our defenses against cold. They leave our feet and toes exposed to the harsh, cruel world. They become sock-puddle at the bottom of our shoes. How many times have socks ruined your day? They run away. My sock drawer is—more often than not—empty and deserted.
We should stop using socks. We cannot give socks a chance to destroy our lives in the future. Sure, right now they’re a beautiful thing, but waking up to a life devoid of socks? It’s better to give up socks now, of our own accord.
So please. Join me.