An Open Letter To Shrek
Thank you so much for making me giggle as a five year old, and making me appreciate PG movies as a teen, and probably making me still indulge in your first movie as an adult. You, as well as Donkey, Fiona, The Muffin Man, and Lord Farquad have played a vital role in my childhood. However, I have some questions…
Why on Earth would you marry Fiona!?
Why did you have to interrupt Fiona’s wedding and proclaim your everlasting love to her? Sure she was meant to be with you, but she would’ve been fine with Lord Farquad! She would have lived her desired princess life with all three feet of him. She would have kept her royal reputation. But most importantly, she would have not disrupted your lonely ogre lifestyle! Besides you only knew her for a good 48 hours before you popped the question. In that five minute frame that you decided to propose did it ever come across your mind that you would have to leave behind mud baths, terrorizing humans, and your swamp?
Maybe, just maybe you could’ve made a marriage with Fiona work…but then you had TRIPLETS! Yes I’ll admit Farkle, Fergus and Felicia are the cutest ogre babies I’ve ever seen, but their babies. Being a father takes away the whole “I’m an ogre” vibe you had been sending out to the world. Not to mention it tied you down to Fiona’s royal roots. You should’ve known that her parents would want to be a part of their grandbabies upbringing. They were never on board for you to raise them in a swamp.
If I had it my way, you and Fiona would’ve rode of into the sunset and that would be the end of the franchise.
I guess what I’m trying to say is…
As much as I love your dynamic duo with Donkey, your couple goals relationship with Fiona, and your hate towards Lord Farquad, I miss the old Shrek. The Shrek that hated everyone, the Shrek that scared everyone, the Shrek that didn’t involve everyone. The five films with your face on them just aren’t the same as the first. Where has the onion eating, waffle hating, big, smelly ogre gone?
Pictures from http://deathbattlefanon.wikia.com/wiki/Shrek, http://shrek.wikia.com/wiki/Ogre_Triplets, and http://www.themoviethemesong.com/shrek-movie-theme-song/