I Never Thought I’d Do This, or: My Five Year Old Self Would Be Ashamed

I never thought I’d do this. I mean, if you’d asked me a couple years ago if I would ever read Vogue and enjoy it, I would say:

“No. Why?”

But, even though I really only watch it to make fun of high fashion (I mean, some of those colors…ugh!) I still compliment and to someone who likes interior designing I might even sound coherent. This would frighten my tiny five year old self to death.

“You LIKE this stuff?!” My cute little self would sqeak.

I would nod solemnly and reply, “It’s fun to laugh at how ridiculous some of these dresses are. Look! Who pairs those two colors tog—”

“STOP!” Chibi me would shriek. “For the love of Tolkien, stop!”

I wouldn’t heed little Chib-me’s words, and continue gushing about dresses and colors and design and GOOD LORD WHO DESIGNED THAT GARBAGE BAG IN THE GUISE OF AN OUTFIT?!


Chib-me hangs her tiny head in shame and shakes her head. She’s so disappointed. Awww.

…I hate everthing you do.

I hate basically everything you do.

Do you chew gum? Ugh.

Do you talk during class when I’m TRYING TO WORK?!

Do you giggle? I hate giggling.

Do you constantly complain about other people, then you do all those things? I HATE YOU MOST OF ALL.

Do you : Chew your food with your mouth open, hum during a test or homework, talk too much, interrupt me, kick my desk, chair, or table, write without Oxford commas, have a speech impediment, (AND talk all the time.) think you’re entitled, ask how to spell simple words, ask why there is New York but no Old York*, use wrong it’s/its, use wrong there/their/they’re, or any other similar words, etc.

So basically I hate 99% of humanity.

Because 99% of humanity are idiots.

*There is an ‘old York’, but it’s just called York.

Words and Stuff

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? No, I’d be more accurate comparing you to a bored person reading a blog post that probably isn’t worth your time.

I have such a way with words.

But anyway, I realized that even thought it’s great knowing big words, it isn’t really worth anything unless you know a LOT of big words. For example, what sounds better: “Sarah sat on her chair, a melancholy expression on her face,” or “Sarah slumped down in her chair, a melancholy expression on her face, halfway between a pout and complete boredom.”

More is better. Whoever says different is trying to raise their own self esteem.

Shakespeare got it. What sounds better, “Shall I compare thee to a summers day,” or “You’re pretty.”

I dunno, but Shakespeare is awesome. Or should I say, none is so magnificent, so awe-inspiring, so great, as the one they call Shakespeare.