I Never Thought I’d Do This, or: My Five Year Old Self Would Be Ashamed

I never thought I’d do this. I mean, if you’d asked me a couple years ago if I would ever read Vogue and enjoy it, I would say:

“No. Why?”

But, even though I really only watch it to make fun of high fashion (I mean, some of those colors…ugh!) I still compliment and to someone who likes interior designing I might even sound coherent. This would frighten my tiny five year old self to death.

“You LIKE this stuff?!” My cute little self would sqeak.

I would nod solemnly and reply, “It’s fun to laugh at how ridiculous some of these dresses are. Look! Who pairs those two colors tog—”

“STOP!” Chibi me would shriek. “For the love of Tolkien, stop!”

I wouldn’t heed little Chib-me’s words, and continue gushing about dresses and colors and design and GOOD LORD WHO DESIGNED THAT GARBAGE BAG IN THE GUISE OF AN OUTFIT?!

IS SHE EVEN WEARING A SKIRT?

Chib-me hangs her tiny head in shame and shakes her head. She’s so disappointed. Awww.

Why J.R.R Tolkien Is a Genius: The Simarillion, Middle Earth, and Elvish

Once upon a time, there was a brilliant, wonderful book written by an intelligent, creative man. No, there were several, brilliant, wonderful books written by this man. Three of these were the Lord of the Rings trilogy, and its prequel The Hobbit, two were The Book of Lost Tales, and one book to rule them all, one book to find them, one book to take the tales and in the darkness bind them.

This book was named the Simarillion. It wasn’t even finished when he died, but his son (Christopher Tokien) finished it for him. That’s how awesome Tolkien was. He continued to publish another book after his demise. I suppose genius can’t be confined by mortal laws.

Perhaps, Shrimplet, you are thinking, ‘Come on, he wasn’t THAT awesome!’

“Have you ever invented a consistent mythology, a consistent language, a consistent culture, a consistent map and world, and characters that are consistently awesome? No? Of course not. Because only J.R.R Tolkien (and, sometimes, Christopher Tolkien) has ever succeeded in doing so. So be quiet and listen to me praise a genius.” I say, again showing my proficiency at mind reading.

You shut your cakehole and decide to go read The Hobbit.

…I hate everthing you do.

I hate basically everything you do.

Do you chew gum? Ugh.

Do you talk during class when I’m TRYING TO WORK?!

Do you giggle? I hate giggling.

Do you constantly complain about other people, then you do all those things? I HATE YOU MOST OF ALL.

Do you : Chew your food with your mouth open, hum during a test or homework, talk too much, interrupt me, kick my desk, chair, or table, write without Oxford commas, have a speech impediment, (AND talk all the time.) think you’re entitled, ask how to spell simple words, ask why there is New York but no Old York*, use wrong it’s/its, use wrong there/their/they’re, or any other similar words, etc.

So basically I hate 99% of humanity.

Because 99% of humanity are idiots.

*There is an ‘old York’, but it’s just called York.

The Solution to All Our Problems

Okay, look, if you’re reading this blog I think you smart enough to truly understand everything I say.
But there are some things I do not think you are obligated to know.
Like the definition of ersatz, or austere.
You most likely will not ever need to know these words, for there is a far simpler was of saying them.
But I believe that I’m getting off track.

I think everything you do inconveniences someone. For example, you are perhaps inconvenienced when the person next to you is chewing too loudly.
Perhaps you are inconveniencing the teacher by not paying attention.
If everyone just sat down quietly and was completely still, we would all be fine.
Well, we would be bored out of our minds, but less annoyed.
Soon enough we would start humming, or tapping our fingers, or in some way moving.
And then it would start over again.

So basically, you will always be inconvenienced in some way.

GET OVER IT.

(What are your pet peeves? Comments. NOW.)