Open Letter to Indiana Jones

Dear Indie,

Okay, so I get that you’re rocking the whole I’m-so-great-because-I-have-a-cool-hat-and-all the-girls thing, but could you please tone it down a little? You’re a smart guy, and I’ll admit it: you know your stuff. You’ve gotten yourself out of plenty of rough situations, fighting your way through mobs of angry warriors, climbing up treacherous cliffs to avoid falling to your death, wiggling your way out of tight bindings. And though all of these things are impressive, you need to get off your high and mighty horse once in a while.

Tell me, what exactly would you do without your famous cowboy hat and lasso?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing. You’d die the second your precious butt was in danger! Without the help of your trusty lasso to pull you out of rough situations, you’d be dead meat. In Raiders of the Lost Ark, you keep the angry Arabs at bay by loudly snapping the lasso in front of you. If it weren’t for the threatening sound it made, the swarm of madmen would’ve been on you in seconds.

And then there’s the hat. Without your dashing cowboy hat, I bet 50% of girls would think you’re less attractive. Trust me. I mean, it definitely adds a dramatic effect to everything and makes your “ladies man” grin a lot more effective, but take off the hat and……oof. Two words: Hat Head.

And would it bother you to button your shirt up all the way?!

Just because your shirt is open, exposing your bare chest to the world, doesn’t mean that you’re automatically a dashing hero or something. It takes a lot more than a scandalously dressed man to make enemies tremble and girls swoon. Sure, we—as in, the audience—want good looks, but it’s a lot more than that. We want a hero who is smart and kind and funny and brave. A man must be worthy of walking around with his shirt unbuttoned. Earn it, Indie!

So…..what’s the deal with the girls?

I know that it’s a theme for you to have one (or more) girls on your arm in each movie, but could you maybe pick better girls? Pick a strong girl who—although might appreciate a man to help her out—can fend for herself. All the girls you pick up on your adventures seem to fit the same profile. Beautiful girly-girls who scream at the sight of a cockroach and can’t run away from an attacker, much less fight them off herself. In Temple of Doom, you take a nightclub singer with you. A nightclub singer. In The Last Crusade, I thought that maybe the educated lady who seemed to be able to hold her ground might turn out to be okay, but then she betrayed you guys, so that was out of the question. It’s like you’re a girl magnet gone wrong or something, only attracting dumb girls, or smart girls who belong to the other side.

So, Indie. While I do enjoy watching your movies, I just feel like there are some things you need to work on. Your daring adventures are entertaining and they’re so much fun to watch. But, well, it would be nice if you could get a hold on yourself and take a look around once in awhile.

With only the best intentions,



P.S. I’m not gonna lie. You have a pretty great theme song.

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