Dear highly competitive people,
I am competitive. I know a lot of people are, I mean no one would pick losing over winning but that’s different. I am overly competitive. While most will settle for average, or slightly above average, I can’t… we can’t.
I am competitive. When you say “You’re being too hard on yourself,” all I can hear is “You’re not good enough, why even try?” Although we desperately want to believe winning isn’t everything, we can’t, we can’t believe.
I am competitive. I can’t lose, If I do I cry, If I cry I feel weaker, If I feel weaker I feel as if I had lost. I can’t lose. If I do I cry, If I cry I feel weaker, If I feel weaker I feel as if I’ve lost…. It’s a never ending loop. I don’t like to lose. It’s soul crushing, and feels as if the whole world is going to collapse around me. Let’s say I get a bad grade on a test, even if everyone else failed with me it makes no difference. I have lost. Not only have I failed to get a good grade, but I feel as though I have failed life. I start to think that I’m not going to get into college and not going to get a good job and not going to get a nice house and not get a nice car and….
I am competitive. I am ambitious, zealous, keen, pushy, aggressive, fierce, and all things in between. I am not perfect, I am not amazing, and I can’t do it. I can’t always win.
I am competitive. They say nobody’s perfect, They can see that no one is, I can’t, I am blind. All I see are these perfect little people who are going to beat me and take my place. Sadly the eye doctor doesn’t make glasses for people who can’t see things like me. Sadly no surgeon can fix us. No doctor has a diagnosis. There is no treatment. You can’t just simply carry the x and find the answer. There is no answer. You can’t just sing a little song and a bird will swoop by and carry all your problems away. You just have to grin and bear it.
I am competitive. I have a fear of trying new things. If I try something new I’m not going to be the best at it. I’m not instantly going to remember everything, and win every competition. It takes time. I am not patient.
I am competitive. I feel that no one understands me, I know that someone does. I feel I am alone, yet I know that I am not. It’s indescribable. How can you feel that no one understands you but know that they do? I don’t know how it all works exactly… but it does. It’s the same way that someone can write down an answer on a test and know that it could be wrong, yet they don’t change it.
We are competitive. It’s as simple as that. We don’t think like others do. We can’t be proud of ourselves for doing our best. Our best isn’t good enough. Everyone says that it is, but we don’t believe them. We want to, really, really bad, but we don’t. We are competitive. We are smart, and strong, and just down right amazing, but we don’t know that we are. We are competitive.